Stuck
You may or may not know this about me, but I’m a Christian. Presently, however, I’ve found myself in a love-hate relationship with God that I’m unable to break.
A while ago, I was struggling with other issues, when suddenly Psalm 139 started popping up everywhere, and one person had prayed it over me. That’s when everything started to go more down hill…
There’s this one verse that is the cause of my relationship trouble with God. Psalm 139:13 reads “For You created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb.” (NIV)
I won’t go into more personal details of my life, but basically I wasn’t put together the way I should’ve been, and for a verse like that to say that God did this to me hurts. It truly, deeply hurts. And now I hate God for how He put me together with a passion.
Yet, I still go to church; I still worship Him and sing His praises. Perhaps I don’t mean it as much as I had been, but it’s not a complete separation from God. Admittedly, I haven’t read my Bible since, but I still talk to God and try to pray for other issues in my life, and other people and their situations.
I have noticed a lot of things going wrong lately though. A coincidence? Or is this the flak I get for hating God?
Flickr Fun
After being convinced this afternoon to create a Flickr this afternoon after saying that I enjoy photography, I’ve uploaded a couple photos taken with my Nokia N95.
I don’t have many pictures at the moment, as I’m really self-conscious about taking photos with people around. Silly, I know…
Most are prolly edited a lil’ too much, but it’s all fun! Nice to have a distraction to keep me out of trouble, even if I should be working on one of my work projects.
Anyways, here are my pictures.
Repressed Emotions
It’s scary to see the damage of repressed emotions. In the last month, I came to the realisation that much of the problems in my relationship with my father were because of the events around my parents’ divorce. And until that time, I never believed it had an effect on me!
So sad. That’s fifteen years of putting up continual barriers against my dad, hurting him, and punishing him; much of it without really realising what was actually happening.
But last Friday, I picked up the phone, and called him after walking out without even a goodbye just over a year ago. And it was a good small step towards repairing the rift between us. Conversation is still difficult, ant it will probably take a very long time to have a real father–daughter relationship given how long it’s been without one at all.
By the power and grace of God, I know the damage can be undone. And maybe one day if I ever get married, he’ll be able to give me away. That will be another dream to come true to add to my continually growing list!